Thursday, March 31, 2011

Deep in thought

I have been caught up in a very busy web of work, school, socio-civic activities, domestic duties, and serious life transitions this month that I could not quite find the time or energy to sit in front of my laptop and type away my sorrows and excitements. So as not to go over the edge of my sanity, I pursue time for a good night's sleep and moments of silence and solitude more than anything else lately.

To quote Katherine Whitehorn: "You cannot care about everything and stay sane. You cannot care about nothing and stay human." I empathize more with the first statement each day as I find my calling more and more evident but vague at the same time.

There are so many things and ideas running through my mind even as I share this, which amazes me because in spite of the strain I am currently feeling, my brain can still filter out what needs to be said and what needs to be silenced.

In 2008, I spent six months in the US practically without any gadget or form or technology except perhaps for the appliances in the house where I lived with my relatives. I had no mobile phone for calling or texting on regular basis except for the old beaten-up cellphone I had on roaming to get very short messages from my family from halfway around the world. I had my laptop but there was no internet connection (wireless or otherwise) so it was almost useless as a stand-alone computer save for viewing and tweaking photos I took during my stay. [Needless to say, I did not use it very much.] I only had my ever reliable point-and-shoot digital camera which became my constant companion everywhere I went...

...and, surprisingly, I liked it better that way than I thought I would.

Deep down inside of me, I have always dreamed of being in a time and place different from where I am in this lifetime. I think maybe all of us have wished for that at some point in our lives. Right now, I am beginning to feel a bit of technophobia creeping up on me which was probably just lying dormant in me all this time since those six months.

Don't get me wrong. I appreciate the many ways technology has helped us as a people. I am very much aware of how it has helped mankind move forward in small steps and in leaps and bounds. However, I feel as if the cycle of advancement is gaining too much momentum and is starting to have a life of its own - like a butterfly laying its egg and waiting for a new species to emerge. It scares me to think about it like that but the way I see it, it is us who have to keep up with technology instead of the other way around, otherwise, we are on the losing end.

Blogging on my online journal versus writing on my personal diary/scrapbook is like a war or worlds for me these past few months. My fingers itch to hold on to pen and paper more than a keyboard and a mouse each passing day. Sometimes, on worse days, I get this urge to run away from anything electronic.

I began blogging again in 2009 when I realized its potential to reach an audience who share the same thoughts and ideas that I have. I also realized that the cyberspace is a great avenue to make many people aware of important matters regarding faith, education, environment and so much more. On the other hand, being online is like finding myself in a room full of glass windows where I see everything all at once and it confuses me and overwhelms me. I recall my life before the internet and it is like finding myself in a room with different doors which entailed a certain air of mystery, a wonderful atmosphere of excitement wherein I take my time to go through one door, experience what is within, and go back and forth various doors if I needed to.

I've always had a thing with time - I need to take my time. So much of technology is the cause for a life lived on the fast lane with shallow breaths and I don't like it when I go into overdrive. It is when accidents happen - all sorts of accidents, which result to injury or even death. Metaphorically speaking, this can be injury to a part of one's self or death in being.

I do not want to feel the need for me to catch up with my writing; I need my writing to catch up with me.
I do not want to feel any of this 'technological advancement' take hold of me.
I need to actually live a life. We all do.

"He who breathes deepest lives most." 
- Elizabeth Barrett Browning -

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